Just wanted to share

I realize that I haven't posted in several months...I have a lot going through my head...just have not been able to organized all my thoughts to make a coherent post.

October 29th I "hosted" our 2nd Annual Harvest Festival at West County Assembly of God. I have so much fun putting this party together for all the kids! I wanted to share some of the pictures from the event.

The dessert table was a lot of fun to put together. I think it turned out pretty nice.

I loved seeing all the creative costumes!

And the pumpkin carving contest was amazing!!

I look forward to planning the next one. Hope everyone enjoyed their time with us.

Identity

I have struggled over the last 20 years of my life with who I am. I think this has been the biggest obstacle to my "growing up". I don't know what I want from life. I get all the grandiose ideas in my head and shoo them away because "I could never accomplish that". What in the world am I supposed to be doing with my life.

You see, I became a mom at 19!! I went from being the daughter of parents to being the mother of my daughter. Then I became the wife of my husband and then the mother of 2 boys. I have always felt like I never got the opportunity to become ME!!! (whoever that is supposed to be ;) )

Kat over at Inspired to Action has been sharing a lot lately about Motherhood, Identity, Comparison, Change and sooo much more!!! Every time over the last few weeks that I have read her blog, I have sat here crying because I can so relate to everything she and her readers are writing about! I really have a hard time accepting who I am and who I am supposed to be. I truly have NO CLUE!!

Then, Monday my DH says to me that I need to just focus on the fact that I am a child of God. I am Carolyn Ann Helfrich Johnson and to deny that would in essence be to deny God himself! We sat on the back porch as he tried to get me to proclaim in true Spartan style, fist raised, determination on my face, that "I AM CAROLYN!!!!!". Needles to say, on that day, all I could do was laugh at him because honestly, I do NOT like who I am.

Fast forward to today. I am doing a bible study by Cynthia Heald called "Becoming a Woman of Simplicity". Todays chapter was all about abandoning my self to God. To love God I must obey God. To obey God shows my love to God. And it hit me like a ton of bricks!!! With all my self-loathing, horrible self-talk, getting down on my appearance and personality and house-keeping abilities, I have been completely discounting God's creation! I have not died to myself!! I have been selfish!!! More selfish than I ever imagined. Hard to handle, but by being so self-deprecating, I was basically telling God that his creation was NO GOOD!!! How arrogant is that???

So enough is enough!!! I AM A CHILD OF GOD!!! I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE!!! I AM CAROLYN ANN HELFRICH JOHNSON!! God did not make a mistake with me!! He made me just as I am. He doesn't want me to be something I am not. He wants me to realize who I am IN HIM!!! What a magical moment it is to realize that!!!

I don't have all the answer yet! NO WAY! NO HOW!! But babysteps are being taken!!! One foot in front of the other. And I am going to end up right where my Father in Heaven wants me to be!!!

Babysteps!

So one of the things I am trying to make a habit is reading my bible every single day! I did really good at the beginning of the year and then...fell flat on my face and didn't pick it up for almost 4 months!!! And I can tell you I really felt it in my soul.  

Something stirred in me this week that made me pick it up again. God has a funny way of doing that! ;)  Anyway, everyday, I am reading my bible. I bought a One Year Chronological Bible this year and I am way behind. But I made a deal with myself. It doesn't matter if I read 1 whole days passage or 3! I don't have to catch up with the dates as soon as possible. Eventually I will!!! I just have to read something each day!

And this week...I AM DOING IT!!! I still have to remind myself. But I am reading the word of the Lord and I feel better for it.

What do you need to do? Is there a habit you want to master? Let me know!

Motivation

So if one desires motivation to do the things one knows she needs to do, is the husband the best place to get it?

Chris read my latest post and really desires to help me improve myself. He has always been very supportive and tries really hard to help. Yesterday he proposed being my "babysitter" to help me accomplish what I need to do. Basically if the list of things that NEED to be done don't get finished...then I can't do what I WANT to do. Now before you go getting your knickers all in a bunch thinking he wants to treat me like a child, that is NOT his intent. He wants me to be successful in everything I strive to do. He is simply looking for ways to help and thought that my being accountable to him would be motivation. I am really really thinking hard about this one!!! LOL

I do NOT want to resent him for badgering me about things. I want desperately to be able to get control of myself without a babysitter. I know he means well. All he is proposing is checking on me to make sure I have done everything I have set out to do in a day or a week.  In theory, it should work. Just like boss checks on your progress at work, Chris would check on me.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to have high expectations for yourself when you feel like everyone else has the lowest expectations for you?

I think that is my problem with this whole thing. I don't expect anything out of myself because I feel like that's how everyone else sees me. Comments like, "Wow, I don't think I have ever seen your kitchen this clean." or "Are you gonna be able to get your house clean for 'such and such'?", while not said maliciously at all, leads me to believe that I really am not capable or doing these things and no one else really expects it from me. Telling me what to do doesn't motivate either. Just makes me mad that someone thinks I need to be told.

Honestly, I am really struggling right now. Not just with my home but everything. The devil is really trying to get into my head and quite frankly he is doing a rather good job. I am not going to go into all that he is planting there and I am trying my best to ignore him. But when your self esteem is low to begin with, it is really easy to let him in.

I am grateful that Chris tolerates me. I am grateful that he wants to help. But I think this is something I need to learn on my own. This is one battle ground that cannot be fought for me.What I am hoping is that just knowing Chris is willing to join me in my battle, makes me fight even harder!

God has a plan for me. I am patiently waiting for Him to let me in on the secret.

LOST

No I am not talking about the hit TV show. And no, I am not directionally challenged. I am talking about how I feel when I walk around my house. I wander around, trying to figure out what I am going to do and end up doing absolutely NOTHING! I just don't understand why I can't seem to get my act together!! I know what I need to do to make my house a home. And somehow I manage to muddle my way through the day and accomplish very little. Then I sit there and beat myself up over what I didn't do that day. Why do I do that? Why can't I just make myself do the laundry, and vacuum, and clean the kitchen or bathrooms, or pick up the clutter, or go through the piles that I create? I am completely LOST! Not sure what my purpose is anymore. Not sure what I am doing. Can't focus on anything.

I do the same thing with my weight. I complain. I get inspired by the contestants on The Biggest Loser. I hate looking at myself in the mirror or getting dressed. Why don't I just do something about it? You would think that if I am this unhappy with myself, I would be motivated to fix all these things that I think are wrong with me. BUT I DON'T!!

Something about me has to change! I am miserable! Even this blog has gone by the way side because I can't motivate myself to post! It's supposed to be helping me! Not hindering me!

I just need to put my big girl panties on and do what I need to do. I need a schedule. I need motivation. FlyLady is the best but only if you put it into practice. I can't even seem to do that right!!!

So I guess I need to just do it (as Nike would say)!!! But how? I am almost 40 and I feel like a kid avoiding my chores! That is not good. Please pray for me! I need all the help I can get!

Got the Best of Me

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia last June and started taking medication to manage my symptoms. Well if you know me, I am really bad at taking medication regularly! REALLY BAD!!! So I have not taken it with any regularity for a couple months and decided this week that I really need to be a grown up and take it every day. Unfortunately one of the side effects is nausea!!! And I don't mean a little queasy stomach. I mean gut-wrenching, burning nausea. I have been so miserable this week that I have lost 4 lbs in 4 days because the idea of eating makes my stomach do somersaults!!!

That said...I think I have taken a step backwards (maybe a couple) in getting control of my house. Walking from one room to the other makes me feel horrible and I spent most of my days in bed!! (luckily Ben is on Spring Break and could keep an eye on Andrew for me) Laundry is piling up. Dishes are sitting in the sink with an empty dishwasher. My nice clean bedroom is not as clean now. Clutter is taking over again. I tried really hard to not let it get the best of me but alas and alack...it did!!! My hope is that my body will continue to adjust back to the meds and will be back to normal by Monday! Today has been the best day so far this week, but it's still queasy!! Praying that I can make it through. Granted, I know that once my appetite comes back, so will those 4 lbs!!! So that means time to get going on the weight loss thing!! But that is another post!

Hope the weekend is better than the week!

Have a great weekend. Spend it with your family!

Rambling

I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I think the issue at hand for me is that I don't feel like a grown up. I honestly feel like I am playing house most of the time. Not sure where that comes from. I am 39 years old. Been married for almost 18 years. Have 3 amazing children. Own a home. Own 2 cars(well, 1 1/2). Have a dog. Sounds very grown up from an outsiders perspective. But it doesn't feel like it to me.

Most days I feel like my 5 year old! Making excuses for not doing what I know I have to do. I find every reason to NOT do the dishes or laundry or vacuum or dust or whatever. What is that all about? You would think that after "playing house" for 18 years, I would have the whole thing figured out! BUT NO!!! I find reasons to escape! To avoid doing all things that a stay-at-home mother should be doing!

But I think I have narrowed the reasons down! Now please don't take this as a "woe is me" sort of thing! I am just trying to figure out what keeps me from feeling like a grown up...I have been a mother for almost 20 years!!! I do not regret having my daughter!! NOT FOR A MINUTE! But I look back at my life and realize that I never really had the chance to become an adult like most people. Or maybe I just let my circumstances dictate everything in my life. I know that other people, one of my best friends in the world as a matter of fact, have been and are in the same position that I am in. But I look at her and think that she has it all together! Why don't I? Having a baby at 19 is certainly a "growing up" moment. But I didn't live a life that most people have. I have never lived on my own. I have never held a job for more than a year. I raised kids (questionably at times). I have been a wife (sometimes not that great of one I might add).

I feel like I haven't done a thing with my life. I have all these grandiose ideas and plans. Nothing every comes of them. I haven't figured out how to manage the family finances (which is another entry for a different time). Most days I want to do what I want to do and don't want anyone to tell me otherwise! Wait...I am a 5 year old!!

How do I expect myself to grow up when I fight it tooth and nail every second of my life??? I look at my friends and wish and pray that I could have what they have. Everything is together. I tease my friend Susan that I want to grow up to be just like her. But she has no idea how true that really is. It's true for all my friends. I want to be like them. I want to have control of my home and my body and my finances. I just can't seem to get there.

This has no cohesion I know. I am rambling. Let me put some perspective on all of this...Friday & Saturday I spent not doing anything around the house. I spent both days on the computer looking at blogs and different sites, planning an event that doesn't happen until OCTOBER!!! What is that??? Granted it is a pretty big event, give me a break. I sit and think of all things that I could have accomplished even while doing that but I didn't!!! I sat at the computer for hours!! This is the sort of thing I do all the time! Why can't I just be a grown up and do what I know I need to do???

I know there are no answers for me out there. I know I just need to put my big girl panties on and act like an adult! Maybe some day before I die it will happen for me. Hopefully sooner than later but we will see!

Sorry this is so long. I tend to ramble sometimes. I hope this online journal (my dad doesn't like the word blog) helps me work through all of this. Something has to help. We will see what happens I suppose. The key right now is to keep up with it.

Follow through...another issue I have for another entry!!!

Update

So today, I took my house into my own hands...I CLEANED THE LIVING ROOM!!!

My house smells so good right now. I dusted and vacuumed and Febreezed the heck out of everything in the room. Feeling pretty good about myself right now! Hoping this train continues to move along even if ever so slowly.

I even found my kitchen table! Pretty major accomplishment considering my extreme case of Pile-itis!!! LOL

Wondering now what tomorrow will hold for me! Could it be that I stay on this track and tackle another mountain...LAUNDRY????

The House Thing

So one of the areas I need to "grow up" in is taking care of my house. I have my family living in a constant state of C.H.A.O.S. (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome-FlyLady). I suffer from Pile-itis!! I admit it!! Instead of purging, I pile. I have piles all over my house! Bills, junk mail, books, school papers, dishes, laundry...you name it, I pile it!! Not sure how I started this annoying habit but I think it is time to break it!

FlyLady, Marla Cilley, says that taking 15 minutes each day to de-clutter a "hot spot", can help one get out of C.H.A.O.S. and teach you how to FLY (Finally Loving Yourself). She has also broken the home into Zones so that one does not have to crisis clean all the time. Each week, you detail clean a different area of the house. This week is the kitchen. There is a mission for every day, and by the end of the week, that room/zone is clean.

I received FlyLady's book about 2 1/2 years ago from my mother. I did really good for a while coming up with routines, putting together a "Control Journal" and just about everything else. Then I lost momentum. About a year and a half ago I started an email group to help other women (and myself) with their C.H.A.O.S. by sending out the missions for the week/zone. The issue is that I am really good at sending out the emails, but putting all the missions to work is a challenge for me. Some weeks I do really good!! Other weeks, I fail miserably!

I really want to get control of my home. I have no problem with helping others purge and clean, but for me to do that in my own home tends to be overwhelming! Not sure why that is! If you can explain it to me, I would love to hear the reason!

So, my first priority in the journey to "Grow Up", is to get my home out of C.H.A.O.S.!!! My goal for the month of March is to follow each weeks mission to the fullest. I also need to get some solid routines in place. I tend to wander around my house wondering what I should do first. I think that if I have my routines really in place, everything else will fall into place. I used to have them all worked out and somehow have lost sight of them.

This is a big area for me! I want to love my home and in order to do that...I need to do the work that is required of me! *SIGH* I suppose to get that done, I ought to get off the computer and get to work!!!

I will keep you all posted on how the house thing is going! Wish me luck!!!

This is how it began!!!

So last August I had this epiphany! It was time for me to grow up. I decided that I would share this brilliant idea with all my friends and family on Facebook. What follows is what I decided I needed to do...

"I have come to the conclusion that at the age of 38 it is high time that I "grow up" and start taking charge of my life. What does that mean for me? Well, lots of things. It is high time that I lose this weight! I am quite tired of being overweight and I am going to do something about it! I am going to get control of C.H.A.O.S. ( Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) in my home and begin to purge and clean and keep things straight. And finally, I need to get control over our family finances. It is time to stop being devastated and start doing something!

Don't know if you need or want to join me on my journey. I hope you will at least keep up with me as I take this step in making myself a better person.

Where am I going to start? Well, I started this morning by working out. I walked a mile this morning in my living room. It felt really good and my goal is to do this at least 5 days a week. My starting weight is 221. Not my greatest achievement I have to say but I can do this.

Next, finances are probably my biggest problem. I feel like the family budget is always a tragedy. But I am determined to get control. So beyond done with overdraft notices, over due bills, and unexpected problems that ALWAYS requires money (CARS-HOUSE-KIDS) I don't want to feel stupid anymore because I can't take care of things that come up. Not exactly sure what my plan is at the moment but I know that with Gods help, I will be able to get this under control.

The whole housework thing is somewhat started. By following FLYlady's advice, I will get my house out of C.H.A.O.S.. There are specific tasks that need to be accomplished: purge and organize. If I purge, I know that house will be what I want it too.

Honestly, I am just sick and tired of the frustration and hopelessness I feel when I look at how I live my life. I am not trying to solicit pity. That is NOT my intention. I AM trying to solicit support. I figure the more people I have cheering me on, the more likely I am to stick with my program. I am going to try to update you all once a week on my progress. Figure it keeps me accountable too!

Through a lot of prayer and introspection and support, I am sure that I will, at the end of this journey, "Grow Up"."

Anyway, here it is, March and honestly I haven't accomplished a thing! I have lost 5 pounds but seriously, IT IS TIME!!!!!! I will 40 in 7 short months and I really think I need to do this for me!!! I am hoping that by starting this blog, I can hold myself accountable and really do something with my life.

Wish me luck! I am gonna need it!!!!