Rambling

I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I think the issue at hand for me is that I don't feel like a grown up. I honestly feel like I am playing house most of the time. Not sure where that comes from. I am 39 years old. Been married for almost 18 years. Have 3 amazing children. Own a home. Own 2 cars(well, 1 1/2). Have a dog. Sounds very grown up from an outsiders perspective. But it doesn't feel like it to me.

Most days I feel like my 5 year old! Making excuses for not doing what I know I have to do. I find every reason to NOT do the dishes or laundry or vacuum or dust or whatever. What is that all about? You would think that after "playing house" for 18 years, I would have the whole thing figured out! BUT NO!!! I find reasons to escape! To avoid doing all things that a stay-at-home mother should be doing!

But I think I have narrowed the reasons down! Now please don't take this as a "woe is me" sort of thing! I am just trying to figure out what keeps me from feeling like a grown up...I have been a mother for almost 20 years!!! I do not regret having my daughter!! NOT FOR A MINUTE! But I look back at my life and realize that I never really had the chance to become an adult like most people. Or maybe I just let my circumstances dictate everything in my life. I know that other people, one of my best friends in the world as a matter of fact, have been and are in the same position that I am in. But I look at her and think that she has it all together! Why don't I? Having a baby at 19 is certainly a "growing up" moment. But I didn't live a life that most people have. I have never lived on my own. I have never held a job for more than a year. I raised kids (questionably at times). I have been a wife (sometimes not that great of one I might add).

I feel like I haven't done a thing with my life. I have all these grandiose ideas and plans. Nothing every comes of them. I haven't figured out how to manage the family finances (which is another entry for a different time). Most days I want to do what I want to do and don't want anyone to tell me otherwise! Wait...I am a 5 year old!!

How do I expect myself to grow up when I fight it tooth and nail every second of my life??? I look at my friends and wish and pray that I could have what they have. Everything is together. I tease my friend Susan that I want to grow up to be just like her. But she has no idea how true that really is. It's true for all my friends. I want to be like them. I want to have control of my home and my body and my finances. I just can't seem to get there.

This has no cohesion I know. I am rambling. Let me put some perspective on all of this...Friday & Saturday I spent not doing anything around the house. I spent both days on the computer looking at blogs and different sites, planning an event that doesn't happen until OCTOBER!!! What is that??? Granted it is a pretty big event, give me a break. I sit and think of all things that I could have accomplished even while doing that but I didn't!!! I sat at the computer for hours!! This is the sort of thing I do all the time! Why can't I just be a grown up and do what I know I need to do???

I know there are no answers for me out there. I know I just need to put my big girl panties on and act like an adult! Maybe some day before I die it will happen for me. Hopefully sooner than later but we will see!

Sorry this is so long. I tend to ramble sometimes. I hope this online journal (my dad doesn't like the word blog) helps me work through all of this. Something has to help. We will see what happens I suppose. The key right now is to keep up with it.

Follow through...another issue I have for another entry!!!