I have struggled over the last 20 years of my life with who I am. I think this has been the biggest obstacle to my "growing up". I don't know what I want from life. I get all the grandiose ideas in my head and shoo them away because "I could never accomplish that". What in the world am I supposed to be doing with my life.
You see, I became a mom at 19!! I went from being the daughter of parents to being the mother of my daughter. Then I became the wife of my husband and then the mother of 2 boys. I have always felt like I never got the opportunity to become ME!!! (whoever that is supposed to be ;) )
Kat over at Inspired to Action has been sharing a lot lately about Motherhood, Identity, Comparison, Change and sooo much more!!! Every time over the last few weeks that I have read her blog, I have sat here crying because I can so relate to everything she and her readers are writing about! I really have a hard time accepting who I am and who I am supposed to be. I truly have NO CLUE!!
Then, Monday my DH says to me that I need to just focus on the fact that I am a child of God. I am Carolyn Ann Helfrich Johnson and to deny that would in essence be to deny God himself! We sat on the back porch as he tried to get me to proclaim in true Spartan style, fist raised, determination on my face, that "I AM CAROLYN!!!!!". Needles to say, on that day, all I could do was laugh at him because honestly, I do NOT like who I am.
Fast forward to today. I am doing a bible study by Cynthia Heald called "Becoming a Woman of Simplicity". Todays chapter was all about abandoning my self to God. To love God I must obey God. To obey God shows my love to God. And it hit me like a ton of bricks!!! With all my self-loathing, horrible self-talk, getting down on my appearance and personality and house-keeping abilities, I have been completely discounting God's creation! I have not died to myself!! I have been selfish!!! More selfish than I ever imagined. Hard to handle, but by being so self-deprecating, I was basically telling God that his creation was NO GOOD!!! How arrogant is that???
So enough is enough!!! I AM A CHILD OF GOD!!! I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE!!! I AM CAROLYN ANN HELFRICH JOHNSON!! God did not make a mistake with me!! He made me just as I am. He doesn't want me to be something I am not. He wants me to realize who I am IN HIM!!! What a magical moment it is to realize that!!!
I don't have all the answer yet! NO WAY! NO HOW!! But babysteps are being taken!!! One foot in front of the other. And I am going to end up right where my Father in Heaven wants me to be!!!