Monday, May 24, 2010


So if one desires motivation to do the things one knows she needs to do, is the husband the best place to get it?

Chris read my latest post and really desires to help me improve myself. He has always been very supportive and tries really hard to help. Yesterday he proposed being my "babysitter" to help me accomplish what I need to do. Basically if the list of things that NEED to be done don't get finished...then I can't do what I WANT to do. Now before you go getting your knickers all in a bunch thinking he wants to treat me like a child, that is NOT his intent. He wants me to be successful in everything I strive to do. He is simply looking for ways to help and thought that my being accountable to him would be motivation. I am really really thinking hard about this one!!! LOL

I do NOT want to resent him for badgering me about things. I want desperately to be able to get control of myself without a babysitter. I know he means well. All he is proposing is checking on me to make sure I have done everything I have set out to do in a day or a week.  In theory, it should work. Just like boss checks on your progress at work, Chris would check on me.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to have high expectations for yourself when you feel like everyone else has the lowest expectations for you?

I think that is my problem with this whole thing. I don't expect anything out of myself because I feel like that's how everyone else sees me. Comments like, "Wow, I don't think I have ever seen your kitchen this clean." or "Are you gonna be able to get your house clean for 'such and such'?", while not said maliciously at all, leads me to believe that I really am not capable or doing these things and no one else really expects it from me. Telling me what to do doesn't motivate either. Just makes me mad that someone thinks I need to be told.

Honestly, I am really struggling right now. Not just with my home but everything. The devil is really trying to get into my head and quite frankly he is doing a rather good job. I am not going to go into all that he is planting there and I am trying my best to ignore him. But when your self esteem is low to begin with, it is really easy to let him in.

I am grateful that Chris tolerates me. I am grateful that he wants to help. But I think this is something I need to learn on my own. This is one battle ground that cannot be fought for me.What I am hoping is that just knowing Chris is willing to join me in my battle, makes me fight even harder!

God has a plan for me. I am patiently waiting for Him to let me in on the secret.

Friday, May 14, 2010


No I am not talking about the hit TV show. And no, I am not directionally challenged. I am talking about how I feel when I walk around my house. I wander around, trying to figure out what I am going to do and end up doing absolutely NOTHING! I just don't understand why I can't seem to get my act together!! I know what I need to do to make my house a home. And somehow I manage to muddle my way through the day and accomplish very little. Then I sit there and beat myself up over what I didn't do that day. Why do I do that? Why can't I just make myself do the laundry, and vacuum, and clean the kitchen or bathrooms, or pick up the clutter, or go through the piles that I create? I am completely LOST! Not sure what my purpose is anymore. Not sure what I am doing. Can't focus on anything.

I do the same thing with my weight. I complain. I get inspired by the contestants on The Biggest Loser. I hate looking at myself in the mirror or getting dressed. Why don't I just do something about it? You would think that if I am this unhappy with myself, I would be motivated to fix all these things that I think are wrong with me. BUT I DON'T!!

Something about me has to change! I am miserable! Even this blog has gone by the way side because I can't motivate myself to post! It's supposed to be helping me! Not hindering me!

I just need to put my big girl panties on and do what I need to do. I need a schedule. I need motivation. FlyLady is the best but only if you put it into practice. I can't even seem to do that right!!!

So I guess I need to just do it (as Nike would say)!!! But how? I am almost 40 and I feel like a kid avoiding my chores! That is not good. Please pray for me! I need all the help I can get!