Identity

I have struggled over the last 20 years of my life with who I am. I think this has been the biggest obstacle to my "growing up". I don't know what I want from life. I get all the grandiose ideas in my head and shoo them away because "I could never accomplish that". What in the world am I supposed to be doing with my life.

You see, I became a mom at 19!! I went from being the daughter of parents to being the mother of my daughter. Then I became the wife of my husband and then the mother of 2 boys. I have always felt like I never got the opportunity to become ME!!! (whoever that is supposed to be ;) )

Kat over at Inspired to Action has been sharing a lot lately about Motherhood, Identity, Comparison, Change and sooo much more!!! Every time over the last few weeks that I have read her blog, I have sat here crying because I can so relate to everything she and her readers are writing about! I really have a hard time accepting who I am and who I am supposed to be. I truly have NO CLUE!!

Then, Monday my DH says to me that I need to just focus on the fact that I am a child of God. I am Carolyn Ann Helfrich Johnson and to deny that would in essence be to deny God himself! We sat on the back porch as he tried to get me to proclaim in true Spartan style, fist raised, determination on my face, that "I AM CAROLYN!!!!!". Needles to say, on that day, all I could do was laugh at him because honestly, I do NOT like who I am.

Fast forward to today. I am doing a bible study by Cynthia Heald called "Becoming a Woman of Simplicity". Todays chapter was all about abandoning my self to God. To love God I must obey God. To obey God shows my love to God. And it hit me like a ton of bricks!!! With all my self-loathing, horrible self-talk, getting down on my appearance and personality and house-keeping abilities, I have been completely discounting God's creation! I have not died to myself!! I have been selfish!!! More selfish than I ever imagined. Hard to handle, but by being so self-deprecating, I was basically telling God that his creation was NO GOOD!!! How arrogant is that???

So enough is enough!!! I AM A CHILD OF GOD!!! I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE!!! I AM CAROLYN ANN HELFRICH JOHNSON!! God did not make a mistake with me!! He made me just as I am. He doesn't want me to be something I am not. He wants me to realize who I am IN HIM!!! What a magical moment it is to realize that!!!

I don't have all the answer yet! NO WAY! NO HOW!! But babysteps are being taken!!! One foot in front of the other. And I am going to end up right where my Father in Heaven wants me to be!!!

Babysteps!

So one of the things I am trying to make a habit is reading my bible every single day! I did really good at the beginning of the year and then...fell flat on my face and didn't pick it up for almost 4 months!!! And I can tell you I really felt it in my soul.  

Something stirred in me this week that made me pick it up again. God has a funny way of doing that! ;)  Anyway, everyday, I am reading my bible. I bought a One Year Chronological Bible this year and I am way behind. But I made a deal with myself. It doesn't matter if I read 1 whole days passage or 3! I don't have to catch up with the dates as soon as possible. Eventually I will!!! I just have to read something each day!

And this week...I AM DOING IT!!! I still have to remind myself. But I am reading the word of the Lord and I feel better for it.

What do you need to do? Is there a habit you want to master? Let me know!

Motivation

So if one desires motivation to do the things one knows she needs to do, is the husband the best place to get it?

Chris read my latest post and really desires to help me improve myself. He has always been very supportive and tries really hard to help. Yesterday he proposed being my "babysitter" to help me accomplish what I need to do. Basically if the list of things that NEED to be done don't get finished...then I can't do what I WANT to do. Now before you go getting your knickers all in a bunch thinking he wants to treat me like a child, that is NOT his intent. He wants me to be successful in everything I strive to do. He is simply looking for ways to help and thought that my being accountable to him would be motivation. I am really really thinking hard about this one!!! LOL

I do NOT want to resent him for badgering me about things. I want desperately to be able to get control of myself without a babysitter. I know he means well. All he is proposing is checking on me to make sure I have done everything I have set out to do in a day or a week.  In theory, it should work. Just like boss checks on your progress at work, Chris would check on me.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to have high expectations for yourself when you feel like everyone else has the lowest expectations for you?

I think that is my problem with this whole thing. I don't expect anything out of myself because I feel like that's how everyone else sees me. Comments like, "Wow, I don't think I have ever seen your kitchen this clean." or "Are you gonna be able to get your house clean for 'such and such'?", while not said maliciously at all, leads me to believe that I really am not capable or doing these things and no one else really expects it from me. Telling me what to do doesn't motivate either. Just makes me mad that someone thinks I need to be told.

Honestly, I am really struggling right now. Not just with my home but everything. The devil is really trying to get into my head and quite frankly he is doing a rather good job. I am not going to go into all that he is planting there and I am trying my best to ignore him. But when your self esteem is low to begin with, it is really easy to let him in.

I am grateful that Chris tolerates me. I am grateful that he wants to help. But I think this is something I need to learn on my own. This is one battle ground that cannot be fought for me.What I am hoping is that just knowing Chris is willing to join me in my battle, makes me fight even harder!

God has a plan for me. I am patiently waiting for Him to let me in on the secret.